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Thursday, April 8, 2010

A Womans Week At The Gym

A friend of mine forwarded this to me today & I wanted to pass it along to you. Unfortunately I am not sure where it originated from so forgive me for not being able to give credit where credit is due. I'm trying to lose the 30 pounds my doctor tells me I need to in order to get my health problems under control. 30 pounds being the magic number left to shed of the 67 I gained from being preggers. Trying to start a new work out routine is brutal & I can totally relate to what the writer is feeling. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something VERY wrong with you ;)


Dear Diary,
For  my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal  training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in  great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I  decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I  called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named  Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and  model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed  pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep  a diary to chart my  progress.

Started my  day at 6:00 a..m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it  when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is  something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling  white smile. Woo Hoo!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the  machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his  aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was  encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from  holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a  FANTASTIC week-!!

I  drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo  made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put  weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made  the full mil e. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel  GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for  me.

The only way I  can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving  my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both  pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I  parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was  impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he  scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..

My chest  hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity  rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in  shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap  too.

Blockhead was  waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips  were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour  late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out  with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the changing  room. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he  put me on the rowing machine -- which I  sank.
I hate that  bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human  being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little  aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without  unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to  work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents  in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more  than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a  health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,  like the drama coach or the choir  director?

Satan  left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice  wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want  to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to  even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the  Weather Channel.

I'm  having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank  GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband  will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a  hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have  sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!



  1. I am laughing so hard I am crying... thank you for posting this!

  2. The cartoon at the end is priceless. Thanks for sharing.

    Welcome to SITS. We're happy to have you.


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