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Friday, February 5, 2010

Shut that inner skinny bitch up already!

Last weekend I went to the chiropractor as I do every week or so. I have been going to the chiropractor for years. However, since living in South Korea a few years ago I make sure to always get a Korean chiropractor if possible. If I've learned anything, it's that Korean chiropractors are ALWAYS good for 2 things:

1. They will make sure treatment is very painful by jabbing weird wooden objects in all of your joints and pressure points. But, they will also make sure to take as much time as necessary to adjust you properly, rather than cracking you half-assed and sending you out the door 5 minutes later and $50 poorer. I fully believe in the "No pain, no gain" strategy because you always leave the Korean chiropractor's office hurting, but feel like a million bucks the next day. It has been proven that the smaller the man, the bigger the ass kicker he really is. Personally, I enjoy having my ass kicked. I also enjoy watching him struggle to crack my back given I weigh double what he does. Worth every penny :)

2. They will never refrain from giving you a compliment or a put-down in regards to your appearance. When I lived in Korea I didn't appreciate being told I had "S-lines" or being asked what was wrong with me because I actually looked nice for a change. I know they weren't purposely trying to offend anyone and that it is the norm to be blunt in Korean culture. But somehow this type of honesty always lead me to tears. While pregnant and breastfeeding my inner skinny bitch was yelling at me but I shut her up with cheeseburgers, Coke, fruit smoothies and lots and lots of chocolate. This led me to be like tubby the whale and over 100 kilos.

Please take note: When tubby the whale stay away from Koreans who feel the need to share their opinions with you or someone will get hurt. You know what I'm talking about. The conversation always ends in 1 of 2 ways:

1. You're self esteem is thrown down the shitter and you spend the rest of the day feeling bad about yourself, tearing up and drowning your former skinny bitch with more chocolate. Or,

2. The person who told you that you were looking fat today or perhaps a bit daggy ends up with a fist in their face and a foot up their ass.

Although I prefer the later, I always end up comforting myself with the first option. It has been 16 months since I gave birth to my son & I long to be a skinny bitch. I am still constantly struggling to lose the "baby weight" (or lets face it, the remnants of my chocolate and cheeseburger ass) while coming to terms with accepting that my new body shape will probably never resemble the old one.

The exciting news is that I somehow managed to lose 4 kilos this month! I don't own a scale, am not on a diet and haven't been to the gym in years. So how do I know this? Because I went to my chiropractor! That's right folks. I went to get my back realigned and my chiropractor told me I must be losing weight. In fact, he was positive I was slimming down and continued to talk about it. When I shrugged him off, he promptly pressured me into standing on the scale. So I did just to shut him up. And you know what? I did shed some kilos this month. 4 to be exact. I was so excited I didn't even get pissy that he was obviously looking at my dreaded number flashing on the scale.


4 kilos is heaps. I blame this owe this to chasing my son around the house like I'm running a sprint every waking minute of every day. I am constantly running up the stairs and down, lifting him off tables and chairs and picking up after him. Plus, I never get to eat a full meal because he ends up eating all of his and then most of mine. But it doesn't bother me because I'm too tired to eat anyways.Yay for kids! The best exercise and meal replacement program ever offered! And yay for Korean chiropractors and an unexpected self-esteem and ego boost.

Moral of the story:
Koreans are great for self esteem on your non-daggy and non-fat days. Next time you are planning on letting that skinny bitch out, head right on over to your favorite Korean and bask in the glory of compliments. But next time you look like this:

(Yes, there is only 1 in there. A really really REALLY big ONE)

Stay home. Or put on really hard ass kicking boots.

Note: This bog post is not intended to offend any Koreans. I love Koreans. All of them. I'm actually Korean. Ok, I'm not actually Korean. But I lived there for 2 years and I'm pretty sure that gives me honorary Korean-ness. So please do not take offense.

Cum-sum-knee-da!


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1 comment:

  1. Too funny! I know what you mean. When I was pregnant, I got many comments about my appearence. Some were nice, but a lot of them made me feel like a ball with little stumps for arms and legs. I am stopping in from SITS. I really like the mix you bring to your blog and your son is adorable.

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