AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK now that I've got that out of my system let's recap todays most infuriating moments, shall we?
My son is an Olympic projectile vomitist. I know there isn't actually a projectile vomit category in the Olympics and that vomitist isn't actually a word. But I'm telling you, if there were in fact an Olympic event of such caliber my son would be bringing home the gold metal.
Before becoming a mother I had spent years working with kids at day camps, in daycares, schools or even with my own friends and families little rug rats. But let’s just say that when I found out I was pregnant the single most terrifying thing about having a child was how I was going to get it out of me. Forget raising them. That would be the easy part. Right? Right?! Oh, who am I kidding? Pushing a 10 pound 9 ounce baby and an 8-pound umbilical cord (Yes…ouch!) out of my vagina with no help from the magic drug fairy (Yes, really!) was a walk in the park compared to some of the days I have to spend with my very cute and charming vomitist. J (Whoa! From the look of that run on sentence you’d never guess I used to teach English for a living now would you?)
Anyways, back to the projectile vomiting….
My son has been shoving his fingers down his throat like a bulimic super model for some time now. I’ve tried everything. I’ve grabbed his hands, looked him straight in the eyes and told him not to do it. He then looks at me with that cheeky smirk, shoves his fingers or sometimes his whole hand, into his mouth, down his throat and yaks everywhere. Out of options I decided to take the path of least resistance and just plain ignore it.
Stupid idea. I had K in the high chair in the kitchen eating his morning snack of piklets (fresh off the pan) and some strawberry jam with cream cheese (Mmmm!). While he was eating so nicely I decided to take the opportunity to wipe down my cabinets and wash the floor on my hands and knees because my kitchen has turned into the single most disgusting and neglected room in my whole house. I succeeded in making it pretty much spotless and then…….
(fingers down throat-insert your worst yakking sound effect here. Then do it 4 more times).
That’s right. K projectile vomited 4 times in a row all over my spotless-only-for-a-brief-moment kitchen. I’m certain he thought it out before hand just to make sure he could cover all 4 corners of the kitchen and himself successfully.
At this point, I still didn’t say anything. I cleaned him up, removed him from the kitchen, did my best to clean up the vomit and then headed upstairs to take a shower. K doesn’t like it when I have a shower and most days I bring him into the shower with me just so I don’t have to hear him scream the whole time. But, I was pretty infuriated at him so I opted to put him in his playpen upstairs with his few favorite toys, close the door to the bathroom and attempt to zone out for the longest shower I have had in ages.
As soon as I put him in the playpen he started gagging again from putting his fingers down his throat. As I walked out of the room I knew he had projectile vomited again but I showered anyways. I may or may not have taken an even longer shower so he would have to sit in it. After getting out of the shower, I went into my sons room and, lucky for me, found my son and most of his room covered in vomit. My guess is that while I was showering he must have realized what he had done, didn’t want to sit in it and attempted to take his clothes off and wipe the vomit up with his shorts (I know. I thought that was pretty clever for a 15 month old too).
So do my actions today make me an evil mother? Perhaps.
Do I feel guilty about it? A little.
Will I do it again? Absolutely.
Nothing beats having a hot shower and taking the time to properly wash your hair and shave your legs. NOTHING.
And besides, he was just practicing for that Olympic gold metal anyways. By the way, if you ever come across the head Olympic guy in the near future please ask him to start a new sport. My son can thank you later. He’s good I tell you. GREAT. You aint seen a talent like his ever. HONEST. It’s top notch!